5 Absolutes for every new mom…

Every new Mom to be has some idea of what they specifically want for their children. How they want to feed them, clothe them and teach them and generally go about raising them. When I found out I was pregnant, I was both overjoyed and in shock. My spouse and I had made the decision to start trying for our first baby and four months later…Voila! Positive pregnancy test!

I still remember it vividly…I was at my place of work, training a new staff member and I felt…different. I went and bought a pregnancy test and in my backroom office…anxiously awaited the results. I knew without looking that I was pregnant. I don’t know how…I just knew. I knew my life had changed that day…forever. When I knew for certain that the little stick was positive…I called my spouse and told him, he was going to be a Daddy. The line went quiet…and then a trembling excited voice whispered across the lines “I’m going to be a Dad?”

From that moment…we spent countless hours planning every detail of our little bean’s life. How we were going to parent, what kind of parents we were going to be? Baptized or not, raised bilingual etc. The five decisions we decided were non-negotiable, are as follows:

1. No TV

We had decided that in this day and age with so many kids watching TV and playing video games and so little of them outside, enjoying the sunshine and nature, this was top priority. But…it was the first of the ultimate fives that we broke. After weeks of little to no sleep, severe exhaustion and a cranky Mommy and Daddy…we accidentally discovered our child, our little bean, was a huge fan of “Property Brothers”. For the first time in weeks, we got a little break. He was content in his baby swing watching the Brothers change people’s lives and homes. Little did the Brothers, Johnathan and Drew know they were changing our lives as well. We felt a little guilt at first, but as we were able to get a little bit done around the house and eat and relax, we accepted the TV distraction for the moment, and promised ourselves we would offer it in moderation as our bean grew older. After all…it offered us salvation in our babies first few weeks of life.

2. Homemade Meals

Another of the big ones…we had promised ourselves in order to save money we would make all his meals at home and freeze them and take them out when necessary. But, with the onset of teething and I was still breastfeeding. I was getting absolutely no sleep again. I felt like a zombie most days and survived off my one cup of glorious coffee a day. I attempted a few times to make my little bean food. But after getting frustrated and the little guy, not being patient while Mommy made his food, I gave up. I made peace with the fact, that I was still breastfeeding and that the baby food on the baby shelf…wasn’t that bad.

3. Cloth Diapers

Expensive as heck… enough said. We were on a tight budget. We just could not handle the start-up costs of cloth diapering. Even though we wanted to and we knew in the long run it would be cheaper versus disposable diapers. Maybe the next baby?

4. In His crib by 3 Months

This one has been the toughest, on me, both mentally and physically. I was emotionally and physically ready for our little bean to go in his crib at 3 months. A few days before his 3 month birthday, he decided to learn how to roll. We were elated and excited! Our first big milestone! The day of his 3 month birthday, I made sure his nursery was all set up and ready to go. I was nervous and scared to put him in his room that night. My spouse was super supportive and went off to work that day. I logged online to my ultimate horror, my worst fear popped up in my news-feed on Facebook.

A 5 month old baby had rolled over in their sleep and suffocated. The parents, despite having the monitors on, did not hear the baby or know there was tragedy awaiting them that morning. My heart broke into a million pieces, I cried for them and their baby boy, who had just learned how to roll. I was inconsolable for hours, I held my child and rocked him and snuggled him. I wouldn’t put him down. I kept imagining it was going to happen to me. I refused to put him in his own room and months later, he’s 8 months in two days. He still co-sleeps with me and my spouse. That particular story destroyed all and any confidence I had in putting my son in his own room. It is a great fear of mine and my spouse’s that we will not hear him; you see we both are partially deaf; we have some hearing ability but not full 100%. I don’t know at this point when I will be ready, hopefully by a year.

5. Join Mom Playgroups

I promised myself that to help pass by the long mat leave I would get out and join as many baby groups and mom playgroups to get out be active, to be social and to learn my new town. My spouse recently, got a job in a city 3 hours away from my hometown and family. I have been out a few times, I have connected with one mom, and she’s fantastic. But alas, as it is summer, everyone is always busy and vacationing. For the most part, I’m normally very social. But at the mom groups I find it awkward and uncomfortable. Everyone knows everyone and I’m the new girl. I’ve just found that as a new mom, I’m adjusting to my role as a mother and as a spouse with a baby, and trying to maintain a romantic relationship as well. So, trying to go out and meet new people…some days is very exhausting. I just don’t go out as much as I like. It is getting better though; my confidence grows with every day, as I grow more familiar with my surroundings.

As you can tell I really didn’t stick to any of them and all of them provided me with a clear picture. It’s okay to have goals or ideas of how to raise your child. But, don’t feel obligated to stick to them, if they don’t suit you or your lifestyle, or for that matter your baby. I think as a whole, new mothers try to do everything in their power to be the perfect mom, or to be different to how they were raised themselves. But in the end, all that matters is that your baby is loved, fed and safe. Doesn’t matter what we do, make, use or buy. In their world, it’s no different, brand means nothing. We are their whole world. So, I guess what I’m saying is…don’t be too hard on yourself on the choices you make or didn’t keep. They love you either way Mama!

Everly

The Death of the Coffee Date

In February 1995, the person who would become my high school best friend handed me a double-CD set. It was the 1987 Original Broadway Cast recording of Les Misérables. I didn’t think much of it at the time. We had bonded over the fact that we both enjoyed singing, but I had never seen a play or even listened to a musical theatre recording.

She was right. It blew my mind, and it changed my life in a way I never thought was possible. It turned me into a theatre brat. I am proud to say for nearly 20 years I have been very active in my local community theatres. My only hiatus was when I went away to university. Once I graduated, I came right back home, got a day job and got right back into theatre. My “rule” was one show a season, but I broke it every year. When Farmboy and I got married, the running joke in my Playbill biography was that the show was “my last one, promise.” It never was, and he totally knew it. My weekday evenings were filled with 4 hour rehearsals, and most of my Sunday afternoons too. I loved every minute of the adrenaline, anxiety and thrill that comes with live theatre.

Why am I telling you this? Because in late April 2013, I peed on a stick and at THAT moment my life changed forever in a way I had never thought possible. I was pregnant, and everything was about to change. For the better, I hoped.

Babbers was born at lightning speed (but that’s another post!) on December 23^rd 2013, but that did not stop me from being in a show (Seussical the Musical!) all the way up to Week 18 of my pregnancy. Have you ever done chassé ball changes and jazz hands with a burgeoning baby bump whilst playing a bird onstage? Neither had I!

I knew I would have to take a hiatus from theatre, but I didn’t realize how hard it would hit me until a friend asked me to go out for coffee to help him find a way to change his natural accent (London British) into another (Quebecois).

Going out? After dinner? A laughable thought.

Farmboy is a long haul truck driver and is away during the week. So it’s me and Babbers from Sunday night until Friday afternoon (ish). My parents live nearby, but my mother is in New Zealand with my very pregnant sister for the summer. My dad was out of town this week for work. Dilemma. Obviously, I can go out, I’m not forbidden from leaving the house. But I’ve been sleep training Babbers so that he can fall asleep on his own. His sleep patterns have been erratic at best, and while I’m not in a hurry for him to sleep through the night (he was exclusively breast fed or, EBF for short until 6 months), I would like the evening to myself, since I spend the entire day alone with him, and am also responsible for all his night feeds, whether it’s one, or seven.

But then it dawned on me. The evening free to do what? I can’t put him to sleep and then leave. I am surely not going to take him out of his crib and bring him to Starbucks. Or anywhere for that matter! Am I bound to spend the rest of my leave, and indeed the rest of my evenings until my son can stay alone in my house waiting for my bed time? What kind of life did I sign up for? Did I think this through? Will Farmboy need a new job? Can I ask him to get a new job? But back to the immediate problem of the upcoming coffee date, what can I do? Is it lame to ask my friend to come over to my place because I don’t want to mess with my son’s sleep?

No. It isn’t lame. And although this particular friend has no kids, he completely understood, because he is a caring friend. The next night, friends wanted to take me out to dinner, and the same problem arose. They brought dinner to me.

What had I been worried about for weeks? Those that really care about me will not mind altering our plans if they really want to see me, and those that mind are probably not the kind of people I should be seeing anymore, since I’m not the kind of person to hold my beliefs any higher than other person’s, but I’m not going to bend my ideals to suit yours. If you can’t understand that a new mom treasures sleep like a Hollywood starlet prizes her handbags, then let me make it clear to you: If I owned a Chanel Diamond Forever Tote bag (retail $261 000), I would actually consider trading it in for the promise that my son would go down at the same time for naps and bed every day, and sleep soundly and consistently for as long as he needs to. Let me repeat: sleep is precious.

And yet I know I will risk it sometimes. There will be times where we will not be home in time for him to be in the tub by 7 and in bed sleeping by 7:30. And I will have to make my peace with that. But for now, I have decided to unapologetically ask people to come to me instead. Is it selfish? To some, maybe. But it’s my reality right now and my baby’s sleep comes first.

Besides, I have a Tassimo that makes lattes and cappuccinos just as well as any Starbucks barrista… ok not really, but at least I can have a hot beverage with friends, put on some music and talk about all the things we have going on.

So for now, going out after dinner is on hiatus, and participating in plays is not going to happen for some time. But I have a very thrilling production of my own going on: raising my baby. It’s a new chapter in my life that is just as anxiety-filled and thrilling as going out onstage in front of a live audience…

-Buttercup

A minute in Mom’s mind

The world spins, at what feels like an ever increasing pace, while our lives chug forward a million miles an hour, faster than a locomotive.  She’s driving to run her endless errands for the most important job in the world. Being a mom, suddenly, and automatically she slows her car and comes to a full stop, just inches from the stop line.  The light is red, she slips into a reverie for a moment of recollection of the coming minutes, hours, days and weeks…

“I need stop and get gas. What am I going to make for dinner tonight? Did I pull the chicken out of the freezer last night? If I didn’t, I think I have everything to make tacos. The boys would love tacos. I have to make a list of things to buy for Charlie’s birthday party. I heard there is sale on diapers at target, Ill have to check when I’m there. How are there are only 20 weekends left until Christmas? Time to make a list and start Christmas shopping. What am I going to wear to Sarah’s wedding? I need a new dress. …What I need is to lose 20lbs. I should start going to the gym. I wonder how hard a juice cleanse would be. Ugh, I could never do that. Only drink juice for a week?!! Haha yea right. Maybe I should do one of those online fitness challenges. I could start a Facebook group and get a whole bunch of friends to do it with me. I hope Steve remembered to drop off the kids swimming lessons registration forms. I can’t believe Robin Williams died. So sad. I think I’m going to go buy those heels today cause, you only live once. I could wear them to Sarah’s wedding. I don’t care… I’ll wear them while doing the endless piles of laundry. Oh crap, I need to move the laundry into the dryer. We really need a washer and dryer in one!! I wonder who got kicked off the bachelor last night. I have to remember to get Sarah a wedding present too. But how do I buy something for a person who’s house looks like a Pinterest “Home” feed. I need to be more crafty. Charlie is going to lose that tooth any day now. I wonder what the going rate for a tooth is these days? I think Sarah gave Darren $5. That seems really high. I only got a quarter for my teeth. Even the tooth fairy can’t beat inflation. We all need dentist appointments. Uh, I hate the dentist, maybe I can put it off another month. No, bad mom! I should start a blog… who has time for that?! …Don’t forget to switch the laundry over.  Don’t forget to switch the laundry over. I should start baking bread. We need less preservatives in our lives.”

Suddenly, by the command of the computerized machines, the light turns green and she’s off.

Leap

The Employed Mama

 

It’s 8:00am and my daughter has just fallen back into a restless sleep. She woke up early this morning, well early for her, 6:30am. She decided that this morning she really had some work to do and after putting her down in the living room and starting our routine of washing diapers and making her meals for the week, it quickly became obvious that she had decided to become more mobile. Luckily my husband hadn’t quite left for work yet, and so he got to watch her scoot around the living room after one of our dogs, a look of accomplishment on her face every time she reached her goal, even after many attempts to relocate by our old tired puppy. My husband was so thrilled, and then immediately filled with regret because he had to go to work when all he wanted to do was stay home with us. Instead we kissed him goodbye as he headed out the door to deal with traffic and coworkers and the other things that life in an office provides you.

Now that my daughter will be 9 months old in a few days, I’m feeling anxious. In the beginning, each new month that passed made me feel accomplished. I managed to keep my baby alive for another month! And she is smarter and stronger to boot! But now I find the months that pass are tinged with anxiety because soon I will be returning to work. In those first few months I was exhausted and just trying to not lose my grip on reality while understanding what it meant to be a new mom. And then as I started to get comfortable and confident in my abilities I began to get lonely. The world can feel a bit like a ghost town when you are a stay at home mom. The rest of the world is off being productive during the day, making a living, having important meetings that decide the future of companies, people and the city we live in. And we are at home wiping poopy bums and stopping the baby from cramming fists full of dog fur in her mouth. I missed the companionship of my coworkers and the sense of actually getting something done in a day. I told myself that when I went back to work I would have the best of both worlds. A sense of self and also the opportunity to give my daughter the life she deserves while hearing all about her day when I got home. I really love my job. Working for a Not for Profit was always a dream of mine and now that I am involved and giving back to my community, I don’t want to stop. I take immense pride in describing what I do for a living, what my coworkers do. I love enlightening people and drawing attention to some of the greater issues facing our society. I’ve always been very excited to return to work and to feel like a part of the solution again. Now that I’m faced with this ticking clock, quickly counting down my last 3 months of maternity leave, my feelings aren’t quite as clear.

I knew it would be difficult. I never doubted that. I love my daughter and when she isn’t with me, I miss her always. Even if I’m just at an appointment or out with a girlfriend for lunch. When she isn’t with me she is missing from me, a tiny piece quickly growing larger each day. I miss her chubby baby arms and the way she calls out “mama” when she wants me to hold her. Only now it’s not just the separation that bothers me, it’s the concern that for a large portion of her day I will have no idea what she is doing or how she is feeling. She is too young for me to ask her if the lady at her day home is nice to her, if she is fed and her bum is dry and above all she feels loved, valued and nurtured. I have to trust. Trust someone I don’t know to take care of the most precious-important-valuable-amazing-beautiful part of me and to do it with patience and understanding. My mind is a dark place, it conjures up scenarios of danger, neglect and harm that leave lasting impressions on my fragile daughter. Damage that I cannot undo. I worry for her always and as my mind spins these possibilities my throat catches and I can feel tears burning, threatening to spill over. I wonder, what kind of mother am I?

Guilt. Something that every mother struggles with, most likely on a daily basis. And where there is guilt there is always another mother out there, or well-meaning relative, ready to validate it. I’ve had many people insinuate my choice to go back to work is unnecessary. They offer many alternatives to my returning to work at the mere mention of my fears about child care. When I tell them that financially our household requires me to go back to work, they suggest better budgeting. As if there is a hidden pool of resources, just sitting untapped. “Oh boy! If I just quit eating at Pizza Hut every day I could pay my mortgage!” Unfortunately that is just not how it works. In order for us to have the family we dream of, both of us must work. And after careful consideration, part time jobs in the evening and changing careers to work from home are not in the cards. Despite my husband’s offer to work two jobs so I can stay home, I don’t want to be a single parent. Our daughter deserves to have both of us around as much as we can be. But I have definitely left many conversations with friends feeling judged for my decision to return to work out of the home. The feeling that ‘a good mother will do what she needs to do to stay home with her babies’. I’ve come across some comments in social media that suggests children who spend their days in child care facilities are unruly and lack discipline. I see moms at the spray park with their three kids on a week day afternoon and I wonder, how do you make it work? How can you afford to take care of all of those babies and stay at home too? Sometimes it feels like a secret that only the really good moms are privy too. This again makes me feel like I am not trying hard enough for my daughter’s sake.

The truth is I haven’t found resolution yet. I’m still fighting this battle with myself, coming to terms with what it will mean for my daughter to leave my loving arms in the morning and into someone else’s for the day. A more selfish part of me wonders ‘will she bond with this new person, this replacement mom? Will she like her more than me??’ I want to be the only person she runs to when she scrapes her knee or needs a hug. And then I think about how unrealistic that is, and how she needs to be able find comfort in the arms of other people, she will be doing it her entire life and she needs to start sometime. This is more about me letting go, which I am sure I will be struggling with my entire life. I know working moms can be good moms too. My husband was raised by a working mom with 4 kids and he is one of the best most amazing human beings I have the pleasure of knowing. He is proof that you can grow up to be balanced, kind, thoughtful, and still love your mom a whole lot while also attending child care. And out of all 4 brothers, it is the two who attended day care that are the most socially confident. Comfortable in a crowd and able to meet new people easily. For the other two that were raised at home, they work hard to overcome their social hang-ups every day. In all honesty I’m sure there are just as many pro’s for child care as there are for staying at home. What it comes down to is what works best for your family. I know that once we settle into a routine and I see that our daughter is healthy and happy even after I have returned to work, the anxiety will lessen. And instead I will take joy as she learns to talk and in hearing about the fun things she does while I am away. But part of me will always shed a tear for the moments I do miss while I am behind my desk. The sweet naps in the afternoon, the joyous babbling, the determined way she faces each new challenge with a look of total stubbornness. I will miss her with my whole heart, but I know she will be busy focusing on becoming her own person without having to fear hunger or poverty, which is the best thing I could ask for.

 

Dhalia